The post with too many footnotes

 Seems like the sex-toy parties have become increasingly popular recently. By that I meant I read an article about them in the Dom Post last weekend and now know of two groups of people who are having them this weekend (one through work, one through friends). As it is Kapcon Weekend, I shan't be able to attend either and frankly they seem a little intimidating. Not intimidating in a crazy-bondage-mistress-stands-at-the-door-and-insists-on-spanking-you-upon-entry or flogs-you-if-you-drop-your-bread-in-the-fondue way but more in an I-have-to-buy-embarrassing-stuff-in-front-of-people-who-might-secretly-judge-me paranoia way.

It all goes back to childhood fears of small children pointing and giggling at me because I said something strange or uncool like saying I preferred The Smurfs to The Snorks*.

I guess everyone has suffered from minute social ostracism** at some point in their lives. The moment when some random comment pops into your head and falls out of your mouth before you have time to stop it. The room goes silent for a while. People exchange bulging-eye glances that seem to say "weirdo" as you squirm uncomfortably.

Another one was the occasion of my 10th birthday when I had my friends around and we played jolly party games such as Pass-the-parcel and the guzzling chocolate in a novelty costume game. Before they left, one of my friends took me aside and declared that kiddy games weren't cool anymore. Sleepovers with pizza and videos were the appropriate 'cool' format for a birthday party. She informed me that my friends had only gone along with it to be polite and much snickering and laughing at me behind my back had taken place.**** I had, she said, better sort the party thing out by next year. I was mortified. For most of Intermediate I felt like I had to check in advance if the things I wanted to do and the stuff I wanted to like was acceptable or if it would lead to snickering comments or been beaten with sticks.

I got over the social insecurity in my teens and started doing and saying what I liked in spite of the uncool factor. One starts to realise that having fun is the most important thing and generally I am pretty unconcerned with what others may think about me. In fact, now that I am a teacher and I am resigned to the fact that I shall be regarded as uncool by most teenagers I encounter and probably disliked by more than a couple of them.

And yet, in some areas, my insecurity or social angst remain. I guess sex-toy parties I am uncertain as to whether there are these unspoken rules of what is cool/uncool or normal/weird of which everyone else but me seems to be aware. Some things have become mainstream and seem normal. There would be no raised eyebrows upon their purchase. Things like edible bodypaint. It is apparently quite 'normal' and was even given as a Secret Santa present to more than one person at work last Xmas*****. But I still feel unsure about edible panties? I feel slightly dirty just typing the words. Does that mean they're abnormal and weird? What about handcuffs? Apparently furry-lined handcuffs are an acceptable hen's party gift (I have been told by a couple of people who got married last year). Is that because they look like a joke so people wouldn't actually use them or is the fur lining a comfort issue? Would purchasing real metal handcuffs be considered more or less kinky than fur-lined? It's all very confusing to me.
Somehow Tupperware parties don't seem to invoke the same degree of social uncertainty angst.

"She bought a YELLOW lunchbox?!"

"You're kidding! Who would buy a YELLOW lunchbox?"

"What a freak!"

[Pointed whispering and giggles of disgust]

* Or vice versa. Whichever way round meant social death at primary school at the time.

** Minute Social Ostracism (MSO) is subtle but a fierce weapon against many behaviours I would always engage in such as lengthy discussions about geeky topics with colleagues and acquaintances who don't care much for such things and freely expressing the random inner monologue that rattles through my brain. MSO has symptoms such as rolling eyes, abrupt endings to conversations, sideways glances at others or escape route, and in extreme cases, beating target with sticks***.

*** Last symptoms is less likely to occur with adults.

**** They had, I recall, consumed the chocolate with no lack of greedy vigour for all that they regarded it beneath them.

***** Although it does now have unpleasant association with a certain middle-aged male member of staff standing up on a table at the staff Xmas party drunkenly waving a pot of Kahlua body paint, declaring that the ladies need not panic and rush him. He had calculated that there were 48 females in the room and that meant they all got a teaspoon worth each. Maths teachers, eh?